just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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