I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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