Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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