I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
