Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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