There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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