ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
