He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
