This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've blown a few things in my day
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
