I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
