There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
