The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
