let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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