Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
