Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
