I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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