Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
