so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
