I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
