he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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