I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This is my gift to your gina
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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