Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
