My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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