Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
