Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
handjob tips. give me some.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
