2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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