just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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