Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
