i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
