Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
