omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
