I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
