I think I won the penis lottery.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
