first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
