Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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