Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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