haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
