I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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