Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
