Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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