I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You took a bar mat shot.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
