I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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