There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
