the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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