just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
