a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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