..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
