Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
