I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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