So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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